I have been having weird visions lately. While I'm walking and listening to music I start zoning out and seeing things. Not premonitions or anything of that nature, more like the past. I keep seeing distinct images of breaking down, and all the feelings that went along with it. It's quite distressing.Specifically I'm seeing stuff from just after my mum started getting better. When she took her role back as mother and i had no control over anything in my life.
At one point in my life I was the mother. I took care of the things my dad didn't know how to do and my mum couldn't physically do. I became an adult too soon and my friends all abandoned me because they didn't understand. I don't blame them, they were just kids, afraid of the difference in me, it's not their fault. Despite losing them, I was okay because I had something to fall back on. It didn't make me happier but at least I knew who I was, I had something to hold on to. Then mum got better. And that was great, it was really great. But as she got better, I got worse. I didn't know where I stood: I wasn't a kid, yet I hadn't had the childhood to shape me as a teen. I sort of jumped from childhood to adulthood without getting the chance of seeing the in between. So I was lost when i was allowed to be young again.
Enter break downs. I probably should have been in therapy. But I don't think my parents believed in that. You can see why I do not enjoy reliving them. I'm not sure why I keep daydreaming, more like having daymares. But I think I should either do some sort of soul searching or ignoring them until they go away.
I much prefer the idea of packing them into a little mental box never to be opened again.Labels: bad news bears, family |
