You could be waiting for a day that won't come
| Wednesday, November 30, 2005 |
| no sleep |
I most definetly stole (with love) this chart from my friend, but i think it's very appropriate to my sleep patterens as of late. |
posted by Fucking Bingo @ 6:37 PM  |
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| Tuesday, November 29, 2005 |
| Answer me this: |
Is it sad that the only time I see/hang out with my friends is when they want to watch TV?
I guess I'm cutting into their make-out time.
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 1:36 AM |
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| Sunday, November 27, 2005 |
| Things change with time, it's inevitable, but how come it's never to my benefit? |
I was hanging out with my friends for a bit tonight. I miss them. I mean, we really aren't far from eachother, but we just don't see eachother anymore. For a while, it was just the 3 of us. Things we're great. But I guess I was just there so they could hide their feelings from one another, because now the role of third wheel has been almost phased out all together. Not that I enjoy being the third wheel, I just enjoyed being with them. I don't think they know how much of an impact their friendship had on me. I've never been so close, so fast with friends before. (In fact, that's the way it is with lots of people I've met here.) That's just another thing I keep tucked away. I need to find other people I can turn to, so that I won't be hurt when they forget me. Because it will happen. I don't know when I will be completely abolished from their minds, but it's slowly happening. I wish I hadn't gotten so close to them. I wish I hadn't realized we are the same. I wish I wasn't so hurt by them. I wish I let them in.
Martini Kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 11:29 PM |
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| Friday, November 25, 2005 |
| To The Borough Of Pete I Go! |
I'm leaving for Peterborough in about 3 hours. I'm not so much nervous, anymore, as I am excited. it'll be nice to, if even for a fleeting moment, forget my whole lack of friends thing. Well, it's not really a lack of friends, it's mor elike a lack of a friend. Does that make sense? It just seems everyone here has that one person they always hang out with, that one person the get along with so well. I, unfortunately, do not, it's always been that way for me, and I can never figure out why. I'll deal with it the way I always have: take a deep breath, and pretend it doesn't affect me negatively. I hope i'm not slipping into anomy. Again.
Martini Kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 12:05 PM |
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| Wednesday, November 23, 2005 |
| Quit Lying to Yourselves |
This will be a short rant, but a rant none the less.
I am so sick of people going around saying they are bi-sexual, when they in fact are not. I am straight, I have no problem with this. I, also, have no problem with people who are gay, and still no problem with anyone who is actually bi. But, there are these people, who are mostly women, that SAY and not ARE. This really annoys me. What's the problem with sticking to your sexuality? So, you kissed someone of the same sex ONCE.... big fuckin' deal! That doesn't make you bi, that makes you affectionate. I think it is so utterly retarded when women go around saying "Oh yeah, I'd do her, she's hot." but don't have the guts to even bother trying. I sympathize if you are shy, I really do, but there's a difference between shyness and and just trying to make a spectacle of yourself. Are you trying to make your sex appeal go up? Because, honestly, I don't think it's working. I would actually like to date a bi-guy, but a bi-guy with no gay experience is just a straight guy, and there are plenty of those to go around.
No martini kisses for liars |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 12:32 PM |
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| Tuesday, November 22, 2005 |
| Nervousness is setting in |
In less than a week I'll be heading off to Peterborough. And quite honestly, I'm worried. I haven't seen most of these people in two years. I guess it'll be like a reunion for me. A very nerve wrecking reunion. Basically, I became bitter. Surprise, surprise in this world, but I did. This was partly for the wrong reasons, but sort of for the right. But that's just some useless information for you. The main point is I don't know how to react to them. For some people, I can be natural, but others... I fear it may get akward. Which scares me because I don't want it to be akward; I want the (possibly) last memory of me to be a good one, because I don't know when I'd ever see them again.
That was just weird: the perfect song just came on.... it goes "I've got a bad feeling about this." That sums my feelings up rather nicely actually.
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 12:03 PM |
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| Sunday, November 20, 2005 |
| Ignorance is not blissful at all |
It seems that I have increasingly ignored not just this blog, but all of my blogs. I am throughly ashamed of myself. So, I've turned on, and up, an incredible itunes mix and, with a glass of water, have prepared myself to write. My problem is that I don't know what to write. I could write about something that corresponds to the mood I'm in because of the song I'm listening to. But that can only end badly, being an emo song and all. Damn you emo! Your so good, yet so bad for me.
I started writing a story in my thursday class. I really like the class but I just kept zoning out. I didn't even mean for it to be a story, I just started writing. Which is odd, because I'm not creative in the literaryt sense. Had I finished writing that story, I could've put it here, then I'd have at least one subject to post about. Instead I have been left to rant about whatever pops into my tiny brain, which, obviously, isn't much.
I could comment on my lack of concentration. I'm literally weeks behind in my homework, I know I'm screwed, but I can't bring my self to do any of it. I'm going to flunk out for sure. That'd kill me; I love it here, and I love the people here, if I left I wouldn't get to see anyone anymore. And that's just sad.
No more sad thoughts. I need homework thoughts!
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 7:14 PM |
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| Thursday, November 17, 2005 |
| I'm on a rampage |
Well, not really. But I have decided that since I don't write on this blog enough that I'd give myself a goal. The goal is to show my eventual drunkenness slowly throughout this entry. To get to this goal I must a) drink, b) leave the blog alone for a little bit, c) drink, d) type, and e) repeat the former points. So, here's the first stop.
I shall continue.... now. I wonder how long this entry will really be. I also wonder how long I can go on talking about nothing. Probably very long; I really don't have any really order to my thoughts in the first place. I can just go on and on, and annoy the heck out of people. Heck. HAHA. Wow, that was funny. I never use that word. I guess I should stop again.
Alright, I'm back. I have now been left alone to finish my drink. Alone with alcohol. A little sad, wouldn't you say. I would say, nay, I am saying. Ah, nay. What a terrific word. We don't use it enough in our modern language anymore. (Did that make sense???) Yay! "The Oblongs" is on! Such a good show. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Or maybe that's the drink, 'cos that'll do it sometimes.
So, I'm flipping through the channels now. Oooo, Buffy! I miss Buffy. It was my favorite show for so long, and then when it ended I didn't go out and buy the DVD's like I said, and I didn't watch the re-runs. I'm still so entertained by it. If it wasn't on so late, I'd be watching it every night. This is a good episode too; it's from the last season. Buffy becomes a guidance councellor and she finds out this girl is going to die and tries to prevent her death but... well, I won't ruin it. No! I said I won't ruin it so I am not going to. You can't make me, so stop trying.
Okay, I'm back again. 9 shots later and I'm back. No more booze. It is sleep time. My eyes are so tired, and I really don't understand why. Oh wait, I do know why, it's 3:30AM and I'm not asleep.
Good night to you all.
Martini Kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 3:30 AM |
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| Saturday, November 12, 2005 |
| Anonymity Sucks |
Well, it doesn't really suck, I just suck at it. And so does the only friend who reads my blog. ( I love you, Kendra!) So I'm just not going to specifically tell people I have another blog, but i won't deny it. Not that I was denying it before. Now I can comment on my friends' blog spot accounts. Not that I couldn't before, it's just different now. I can now also participate in memes. Not that I didn't before. The several repeated lines tell me that I'm running out of creativity. Not that I had any to begin with.
Martini Kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 6:14 PM |
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| no love for the blog |
I find it amusing that I haven't posted here in a while. I'm a fiend with the other blogs, so why not this one? Probably because I know no one is reading it. I guess I'm a bit of a show off that way. Damn it. I hate show offs. I'm such a hipocrite. And I don't thibk I can spell anymore. I can see the elementary school spelling bees going down the drain as we speak. Or as we type. Or as I type.
new topic:
I was fairly intoxicated last night. Yes, I realise that was a bad new topic starter, but I seriously didn't have a new starter, plus I wanted to rant. Damn it! Why do I get preoccupied so easily. I HAD a rant, and now that I started reading something an dtyping to people I completely forgot. I am the epidome of idiocy. Oh well. Looks like I'll just have to try harder next time. It really must not have been that important if I both can't remember and don't care. I did do a drunken rant last night though. Not on this blog, obviously. It's kind of like a tradition for me now. Whenever I drink, I always feel the need to write a blog-rant-thing. They are quite entertaining really.
Did you see that. I gave you something non-depression-inducing. Amazing huh? And that's my cue to exit. Stage left.
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 12:22 PM |
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| Tuesday, November 08, 2005 |
| Or maybe I should just keep typing |
Even with just a few measly posts under my belt, I've just realized: this is getting to be quite a depressing blog. I think I'm going to start talking about the happy things in my life too. Not right now, there's really nothing extrodinary going on.
I'm also bad at this anonymous thing. I told one person already. I may just forget about this whole secret thing. But not today. That would require editing a post or 2. Or all the ones I have written so far. Yeah, not today. Later.
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 11:56 PM |
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| Back in the day |
 so this was my home many moons ago. Not a random mountain, you can see the roof of a buliding underneath it. that is where I lived for 4 months. Right in the mountains of Alberta. I kinda miss it. Not really the living in isolation, but the people. well, not all the people. There is one person there who I hope to never see again so long as I live. A bad memory I would like wiped away. Ugh, why did I start thinking about that. It's better that no one knows. Maybe i should move away from that topic. Maybe I should stop writing tonight.
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 9:29 PM |
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| Monday, November 07, 2005 |
| and it keeps piling on |
This stress is just ridiculous. And I don't even know where it's coming from! Probably school work. Or my co-host (way to go, college radio!), she just seemed really off today, like she was pissed at me. But that's not my concern that's hers. I think added stress could be guy-related. You're thinking "crap, not another 'I want him to want me' rant". Well, it's not. And if it was... no, there's no if; I don't give a damn because he's such a cool guy. And really, friendship is more important. Unless you're looking for a shag, then that's a whole new story. A story that I don't think I'm going to discuss here because of the lack of sex on this side of my computer. And the otherside, for that matter. So, no, my boy problems are not on, or approaching, that topic at all. Move on.
My neck hurts. Damn. So does my back. Double damn.
I wish I had a work ethic. I wish I could do all of my work, and do it well. But that's not happening anytime soon. I'm just so distracted. By everything, and nothing, all at the same time. I love my classes too, so it's not as if I'm procrastinating out of hate for the teacher or class. I just can't focus. Yes, focus. That was a perfect describing word. It describes exactly what I'm lacking in, when it comes to homework. Though, I seem to have oodles of it when it comes to insigificant things. Extreme focus. Just misplaced.
Well, I should head off. Attempt to be productive. It could happen.
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 11:51 PM |
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| Sunday, November 06, 2005 |
| Time Travel |
Last night at around 3 or 4am, I was talking with a friend of mine about highschool. Him and I have just met this year, so he was objective. I like having an objective point of view, but at the same time he was saying all my problems with high school were proboably attributed to the fact that I went to a small school. Which I'm sure is partly true. I know it's not fully true. I wasn't picked on high school, I had tons of friends, and though I rejected people who called themselves popular, I myself was popular. I ran for student rep. 3 times and got it 3 times. I ran for Spirit Minister ( a step down from Prez, but you could only be school Prez in grade 12), and I got it. I was accepted by every group, and had my own group(s). I was never excluded, went to parties, had boyfriends. Still, there was something. I think my friend was right, I think the small school did have something to do with it. I think my parents thought that way too, and thats why they never clued in on my depression. I knew I was depressed (still am a bit, you never really get over it), but I never verbalized my problems to anyone, because people talk about their problems to me, and I'm not the type of person to burden my friends when they have problems of their own. If you talk to aquaintances I went to high school with, most of them will say I was happy, and had a lot of fun. My friends will say I was happy at first, then the last 2 years I pushed away a lot of people. My close friends will say I had a hard time with high school.
I'm pretty sure the cause of my problems was my parents. A lot of depressed kids will wrongly (or even rightly) blame their parents for all of their problems. I don't blame mine, because the cause was not their fault. My mom became very sick (cancer mostly) when I was in grade 5. I was forced to grow up, missing out on some essential steps of my childhood. I hit maturity before all my friends, and that made it hard for people to properly connect with me. I don't think my mom realizes what I did to help her and my dad and my little brother. But I'll never tell her. I won't even tell my dad, and we're pretty close. People don't understand why I had to give up so much, or what I even had to give up for that matter. I had to take care of the house. I cooked and cleaned and helped my brother with his homework. I stopped taking piano lessons. I stopped going to sleep-overs. I stopped baby-sitting. I started going to the school councellor, but she didn't get it. She was nice and understanding though. And I thank her for that. What i gave up was my innocence.
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 1:53 PM |
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| i've been a bad, bad girl |
And no, i'm not saying this in the naughty sense. I did something very bad last week, and I am now feeling the reprecussions of it. I played a really funny joke on a friend of mine, which everyone thought would be hilarious. Turns out it wasn't. His girlfriend just called me to tell me how pissed off he was (is). This girlfriend wasn't just calling to exaggerate, she's my friend too, she was being honest. I'm now both frightened and guilty. Damn Catholic guilt. It's going to haunt me for the rest of my life. But, I guess I should feel guilty right now. I'm not the type of person who would hurt a friend. I'm the friend who people go to for problem solving. Their Freud, if you will. I always have trouble with this one friend. It's like I can never seem to get it right. My jokes always seem to fail. My comforting words are uncomfortable. My convorsations turn suddenly silent. I don't know what to do with him. I wish he could understand how hard I try to keep this friendship together. It's so easy for him, why isn't it that way for me. But, I can't just stop being his friend. That'd crush him. I told him once I think that he hates me, and he was so hurt. He's sensitive, yet not. He's hard to explain really. Just when I think I have him figured out, it all breaks down, and I find myself offending him once again.
I guess I'll just sit in the corner with my guilt again. Hello darkness, my old friend!
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 3:02 AM |
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| Saturday, November 05, 2005 |
| in the beginning |
I've decided that this blog shall remain anonymous. I have other blogs, but I will not link them to here. I need a place to let out all my frustrations, and anger when I need to. And my other blogs don't allow me to do so. Right now, I don't really have anything to say. I'm supposed to be doing some readings, but I'm not. I'm a master procrastinator. It's a talent really.
Now, I debating whether or not to put a picture of me on my profile. Hmm...
Martini kisses |
| posted by Fucking Bingo @ 10:51 PM |
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