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You could be waiting for a day that won't come
| Friday, May 26, 2006 |
| They All Disappear Before My Eyes |
Today at 4:00PM my uncle died.
I don't know how to feel. On the one hand, I've been completely desensitized to death because I've experienced so much of it in my short 20 years of life. On the other, he wasn't a distant uncle; I saw him almost every day. I knew him well.
I'm just numb right now.
And when it rains, it pours. Just after I found out he passed away I learned that my grandmaman was just admitted in to a Quebec hospital. She's very elderly (93yrs), I knew this already. But the fact that she had lost 20 pounds after I saw her 2 weeks ago frightens me. She had lost a lot of weight already and now it's worse. I'm afraid I won't get to say goodbye to her, like I didn't get to say goodbye to my uncle.
It just occured to me how much death and sickness I have encountered in my life. Some people have never even been to a funeral before, or been to a hospital (other than a check up). I'm thankful I've already been through so much and can handle what many people couldn't even fathom, but some things bother me. For instance, I know I won't cry at the wake or funeral. I don't even know if I can cry for someone anymore. It's been a while since a had a true cry. I feel like I'm being cold when I don't show sorrow, but I am sad, I do hurt.
I just wonder why I can't feel it.
martini kisses
i guess i need to correct myself here because I cried when I thought Zachary had died. Maybe I cried for him because it was so sudden, such shock of past. Maybe I don't feel for people because I'm watching them go. Or because I'm not alone. There was no one there when I cried for Zach, so how does any one really know I cried. Maybe I won't cry because I'm surrounded by people. Maybe I'm scared to.
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posted by Fucking Bingo @ 6:14 PM  |
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| 7 Comments: |
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i am sorry for your losses, but i still want to know what your tatoo
says...its very cool...
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i totally identify tho, i also had a grandmaman in switzerland who died a while back,which was actually harder on my mother...
i am on my way out to the country to see my aunt who is also dying....its a small world....
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i believe spirit lives on...
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i answered your tattoo in the comments of the last blog. thank you for your sympathies.
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Name: Fucking Bingo
Home: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
About Me: You could be waiting for a day that won't come. And you could be so much more than you've become. And I have found my feet, 257 weeks. But you could be waiting for a day that won't come.
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i am sorry for your losses, but i still want to know what your tatoo
says...its very cool...